Life After a Death

Is it just me, or does God have things scheduled in your giant life planner differently than you have things scheduled in your yearly planner? I think He got a few of my pages mixed up. That, or the pages with the really big stuff accidentally fell on the floor, and when He picked them up He just kind of shoved them in there somewhere. One of these days I think those pages are going to randomly and unexpectedly show up, and He's going to say, "Good morning, Joy Lin. Don't forget you have a hair appointment at noon today and your wedding begins promptly at 4:00," as if it was no big surprise. I would love to get just a quick glance at that thing...

One of the big life events that hasn't happened the way I expected is the purchase of a home. Here is the plan (let's assume the other plans have already worked out and I am 23 and newly married): My perfect husband and I find a perfect house and purchase it. We both work for three years, during which time we live on his salary and put all of my salary toward paying off the house. At the end of three years, we own our perfect house free and clear, then commence bearing four perfect children (one at a time, 2-3 years apart) to fill said house.

That is a beautiful story and, if I do say so myself, not a bad financial plan. It is also make-believe.

But it is my dream.  

Was my dream.

About ten months ago, I finally allowed myself to realize that my perfect dream is never going to happen. I was devastated. It has been a grieving process, complete with all five stages. It is a grieving process still.

Part of grieving is moving on. So last summer I made myself think about owning a home by myself. It was awful. My mom thought that looking at houses would be so much fun for me. It wasn't. Every house told me I was alone. Every For Sale sign was a tombstone for my dead dream.

One day, as I was lamenting that I didn't want to own a house by myself, a friend told me that maybe God was allowing me to have part of my dream early. That was a good way of looking at things, and it did help my perspective on things. But truth be told, I was far from feeling like it was true. To me, everything was late so nothing could be early. I still feel this way; I am just more OK with it now.

Over Christmas break, mom and dad pushed me to apply for a mortgage with their local bank. Just to see. I was not happy about this, but I did it anyway. In January I began casually looking at houses online. Casual turned frantic one week when I had multiple really awful things happen with my apartment. (Don't ask.) That was the last straw and I realized I am over renting an apartment. It is time for me to buy a house. I think.

So I am officially looking for a house to buy. Weird. I have gone to look at three. More to come on that. (And it is fun now. I just can't think about it too much because it kind of freaks me out.)

It has been a very long process to get here, and I expect it will be a long process moving forward. For now I am dreamless, and that is a desolate place to be. But I have been asking the Lord for a new dream. For He is good, and His way is perfect. This I know.