{i just want the shot}

When I was a little girl, I had strep throat several times a year. I always knew when it was strep because the symptoms were always the same. I would be sick to my stomach, and then a few hours later my throat would be hurting so much I could hardly swallow. But my doctor wasn't one who would just prescribe medicine (for which I am thankful), so mom would take me in for a visit.

I would sit on the table, he would put two sticks in my mouth, I would gag, sometimes he would have to try again, and after having a stick jabbed in the back of my throat, the pain would be even worse than before. He would say yes it is strep again and would then write me a prescription and tell me to drink lots of fluids.

Mom would take me home and immediately give me my first spoonful of that nasty, pink, chalky medicine. Three times a day, she would give it to me.

Three times a day it was a struggle.

I remember sitting on the bathroom counter holding a teaspoon full of medicine, mom having given up and left long ago. And I just sat there.

For an extraordinarily long time...

...My arm got tired of holding the spoon perfectly still...

...But take the medicine I could not.

(Even now, I'm gagging just looking at the picture.)

I knew all the benefits of swallowing that little bit of pink. I knew it would make me feel better. I knew I needed to be obedient. I knew I would stay sick if I didn't take it. I knew I could get worse and be hospitalized if I didn't take it.

In my brain, it was so easy.

But sometimes my brain could not make my teeth unclench or my hand move the spoon to my mouth.

Today I found a new medicine. It's called 12-page paper, and I cannot make myself write it.

I know it has to be done. No one else can do it, and it is only for myself that it needs to be completed. I know the benefits of writing it. I know the consequences of not. I know it's just 12 pages - no big deal.

But I have hit a wall, and I can't get around it.

My brain says, "Write. Swallow this pink stuff."

My body says no, I absolutely will not.

It's a strange, uncontrollable feeling. Never have I felt this way about anything...

...except penicillin.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I wish I could go get a shot in my rump and call it good.